Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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