I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
