Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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