is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he was CRYING into my vagina
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
