How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
