Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
