Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
