"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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