dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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