I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
