I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
