just come out here and I will go home with you...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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