Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
