Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
