She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
