Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
