someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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