When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
