That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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