when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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