As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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