I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
