Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
