I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
