hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
