So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
