your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
