Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize