Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
