Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
