It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
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I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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