I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
MIDGETS
????
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
