he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
