my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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