just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
