She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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