Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
