Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
