my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
