something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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