She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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