I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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