my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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