Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
