did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
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This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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