so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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