did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
