dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
