Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
