I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
