I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
