Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
