My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
