fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
