Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
