matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
