When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
